Menninger’s List of Emotional Maturity

by Murphy Toerner on February 10, 2016

1.  The ability to deal constructively with reality.

2. The capacity to adapt to change.

3. A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties.

4. The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving.

5. The capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness.

6. The capacity to sublimate, to direct one’s instinctive hostile energy into creative and constructive outlets.

7. The capacity to love

William C. Menninger, MD


Hallmarks & 5 Types of Narcissustic Moms

by Murphy Toerner on August 8, 2015

Mothers Who Can’t Love

by Dr  Susan Forward PhD

The Hallmark of a Narcissistic Mother –

The hallmark of all these mothers is a lack of empathy, and their intense self-centeredness blinds them to the suffering they create. They rarely step out of themselves to see things from your point of view. All they know is that they want what they want, and need what they need, and they find it difficult, if not impossible, to make the connection between their demons and the hurtful actions that come to define their relationship with you.

Five Recognizable Types of Narcissistic Mothers
• THE SEVERELY NARCISSISTIC MOTHER . Powerfully insecure and self-absorbed, she has an insatiable need for admiration and a grandiose sense of her own importance. She must be the center of attention and lunges for the spotlight anytime she feels it moving from herself to you. She may treat her daughter as a rival, undercutting her sense of confidence, attractiveness, and power as a woman. Criticism and competition flare anytime this mother feels threatened— particularly when her adult daughter begins to thrive.
• THE OVERLY ENMESHED MOTHER smothers her daughter with demands for time and attention, erasing the boundaries between them and insisting on being the most important person in her daughter’s life — no matter what the cost. Because she relies on her role as a mother to fill all her emotional needs, she can’t foster her daughter’s healthy independence. She commonly describes her daughter as her “best friend,” though she rarely empathizes when her daughter’s needs and preferences don’t line up with her own.
• THE CONTROL FREAK feels powerless in many parts of her life and uses her daughter to fill that void, seeing her as a person whose role in life is to make her mother happy and do her bidding. These mothers make their needs, wants, and demands clearly known, and threaten severe consequences anytime their daughters try to honor a different agenda. They justify their actions by insisting that only they know the best course of action their daughters can take, and their constant criticism makes daughters believe it.
• MOTHERS WHO NEED MOTHERING are overwhelmed. Often caught in the undertow of depression or addiction, they leave their daughters in the position of having to care for them, and often the rest of the family as well. Classic patterns of role reversal take hold as the daughter is thrust out of her own childhood to parent her childlike mother, all the while starved for the guidance and protection her mother is unable to give her.
• MOTHERS WHO NEGLECT, BETRAY, AND BATTER. These mothers occupy the darkest end of the spectrum, icily unable to summon any warmth at all, leaving their daughters unprotected from abuse at the hands of other family members— or even physically abusing their daughters themselves. The damage they inflict is poisonous, and the scars their daughters bear are deep.

We will see how all of these mothers chip away at the foundation of their daughters’ lives, and through these examples, you will begin to understand how living with your own unloving mother taught you ways of being in the world that have impaired your ability to love, trust, and thrive.


Serenity Prayer (complete version)

August 8, 2015

Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. (Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above, the entire prayer reads as follows…) Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting […]

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God Has My Back – 23rd Psalm

August 5, 2015

“God Has My Back” – 23rd Psalm   God has my back – I have everything I need. God has my back – I sleep comfortably and safely under His protection and watchful eye. God has my back – I drink from cool, refreshing streams. God has my back – He heals the deepest parts […]

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Being the Person God Designed You to Be

August 3, 2015

Genesis – 1:28 — “God blessed them (Adam and Eve); and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it, and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’”   What does it mean, “to be fruitful?” […]

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How Wise Are You?

July 15, 2015

There are two kinds of wisdom: the wisdom of man and the wisdom of God. Man’s wisdom consists of: Knowledge Experience Reasoning Character Philosophy Intellect Intuition Discernment God’s wisdom consists of: Perfect Knowledge Perfect Experience Perfect Reasoning Perfect Character Perfect Truth (not philosophy) Perfect Intellect Perfect Understanding (not intuition) Perfect Love When you are faced […]

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When Husbands Don’t Know What To Do Or Say

July 14, 2015

In the mid 1990’s, Mike and I had the wonderful privilege of teaching/leading a young married couple’s bible study in our home.  The group consisted of seven couples (most of whom had attended out pre-marriage class that we taught for 13 years at the Chapel on the Campus in Baton Rouge, LA.)  I’m very happy […]

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Personal Coaching

March 15, 2015
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MTA – BR Location Closing It’s Doors

March 14, 2015

Notice!!!! Murphy Toerner and Associates – Baton Rouge is closing its doors. May, 2015 we would have celebrated 23 years of serving people of faith in the Baton Rouge, New Orleans, and Hammond areas. (I actually had clients drive from Hattiesburg, MS, Monroe, and Lake Charles to meet with me during those 23 years.) During […]

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15 Styles of Distorted Thinking

March 12, 2015

Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them, while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. A single detail may be picked out, and the whole event becomes colored by this detail. When you pull negative things out of context, isolated from all the good experiences around you, you make them larger and […]

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